Broken Record

Those two words have become well-known; beyond belief {broken record}. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but do you ever feel like you keep saying the same thing over and over? Not necessarily verbatim each time, but the gist of it? The kernel, the nucleus… you get it.

Well, this is exactly how I feel. Either way, I’ve been repeating myself for a few months now and I’m ready to say it one last time.

Here goes nothing-

On one hand, I feel betrayed. Maybe not to the full extent that word possesses, but pretty darn close. And on the other hand, these types of feelings and thoughts are not random. I sometimes feel guilty for having them. But they are from my gut.

And ladies, you know your gut NEVER lets you down. It’s a divine power we were blessed with.

Current gut response: {excuse my French} Let it Fucking Go

So I am.

We all know it’s not that easy. There’s that word again, easy. It’s so EASY for people to say let go. It’s so EASY for people to provide advice; you are willing to take, yes, but to act on it, is another story.

“It’s EASIER said, than done.”

This feeling of betrayal comes along with A LOT. I have so many unanswered questions. But the main question is, Why?

Then there’s a flip side to it. Do I really want to know? What will I do once all of my questions are answered? Is that really all I am asking for?

In reality, I think all of my questions have been answered. I’m just too afraid to grasp it. Witnessing what you’ve been needing clarification on with your own two eyes is vile on so many levels.

Holy Cow – it blows.

Like I said, these feelings and thoughts can seem random, but they are not. This is real life. This is how I feel. I cannot help it. I’m not asking for complete understanding, but there is an in between to meet me at.

But believe me when I tell you, that is like asking for all of the stars AND the moon.

*inserts gun emoji*

It all sounds immensely sad/angry/selfish doesn’t it? Because it is! When I truly take a step back and look at the big picture, I see all of the events that took place that lead up to this very moment.

I finally see it. And so clearly now.

Life and Love is pretty obvious and predictable if you really think about it. To sit back and watch something you felt was real and eternal, turn into something unrecognizable and afar, is tragic.

Awfully tragic to where I questioned God. I’m not mad at Him, I just want to know why this was put upon me. What I did to deserve to lose my family.

Because ultimately, that’s what it comes down to. I lost my family. So FORGIVE me for sounding like a broken record. You tell me how you would deal with this?

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BUT, the beauty of life is, it goes on. And at the end of the day, as long as I have Slade, anything is possible.

Time to play a new tune {record}.

XO, B