A new reality...

It is no secret I have become a different me. This past year has passed me by so fast. So fast that numerous changes have occurred. I didn’t think I was equipped to even manage this amount of emotions I was feeling all at once, but I did. These emotions stemmed from these drastic changes…

I begin, with Love.

Love is something so special to me. It always has been. But there comes a time when that is tested. Sometimes for the better and sometimes, for the worst. In this case, it was for the worst. No relationship is rose pedals and rainbows and I never expected it to be. But when this vision you’ve created in your mind slowly falls to pieces right in front of your very eyes, it does something to you.

I began to question love. How could we get here if this thing we have is SO real? Isn’t love the ultimate emotion you can feel for someone? Doesn’t love fix all of that? I mean, love is the Big Bambino in my eyes so this was HUGE!!

After massive amounts of talks with my best friends, nights crying, anxiety attacks where I thought I was literally on my death bed, I came to a conclusion – you can love someone and still not be the happiest people on Earth. You can still love someone from a distance. You can still love someone for all of their faults. You can still love someone no matter what.

And I was okay with that. Finally.

Going through this change, if you will; changed me. I know everyone hates that word, but it is possible. I found a new me. I became stronger and much more independent. I was shocked. Still am, hell. Because change is scary. And not everyone accepts change as you’d hope for. You get flack for bettering yourself or “changing” who you are and it’s not what they are used to. They are scared you are going to change and forget them or forget the ways they know and are adapted to. That then leads to fear – fear that you will never be you again.

But that is where this new beginning takes place. Where you can create a new routine, continue to laugh uncontrollably, love unconditionally (no matter what), and just be you. That is all I can do and all I will continue to do; just be me.

I have this precious baby boy who needs to see me at my best, every single day. If change is going to inspire that outcome, then so be it. Because I will never get yesterday back, I will never get Slade at 5 years old again and I cannot change the past, even if I tried.

I’ve learned to accept that what is now, is all it’s ever going to be. So I will take this leap with an open heart, newly opened eyes and open arms.

I love me and you now, and no matter what.

XO, B