Dream

Well hello there everyone! It has been a while. I have something spectacular to share with you all.

I paid a visit to my Grandma yesterday because she wasn’t having the best of days. Anyway, we get to talking and she hands me a paper that my Mom is supposed to make copies of. So of course I inquire what this paper is all about. She says to me, “you can read it if you’d like”.

So I do.

Lo and behold, it was one important piece of paper! My Grandma, let me say it again, MY GRANDMA is getting rewarded by Austin Community College for induction into the National Adult Education Honor Society {NAEHS}!

Her response after I low key flipped out, was, “I told them I don’t want them taking no pictures of me!”

If you know my Grandma, you know:

1. She doesn’t like photographs being taken of her

2. She doesn’t smile if you happen to snap a shot

Side note – little does she know, I’ll be there snapping away! Shhh, don’t tell. ;-)

Now you know I have to mention her age – she will be turning 81 on May 20^th. If that doesn’t make your world go round, I don’t know what else will.

My Grandma is taking classes to further her knowledge in today’s education. When my Grandma was younger school wasn’t of importance because she needed to work to help her family. This is her third year taking classes and she goes twice a week. What’s a better time than now?!

I cannot begin to explain how proud I am of her and how much motivation this gives me! This goes to show you can do anything you put your mind to. It’s never too late to reach your goals. No dream is too big! I think we lose sight of that often due to extra-curricular activities or heck, life even!

Sometimes we become full of excuses when what we truly want and hope for is in arms reach. It takes action, determination and hard work to get there. But that’s the thing; YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

This brings me to a few people I know who have taken that leap to achieve their dreams/goals and I’d like to send some admiration their way:

Pedro – you’ve longed to put your talents into something bigger and take it a step further; and you finally are! This is just the beginning of more challenges with even bigger rewards. I know you will do nothing less than the best where ever you may go. With that said, any business is LUCKY to have you.

Ke-era – you enlisted in the United States Army! This literally needs no explanation. What you’re doing is incredible and it takes a brave soul to accomplish. I salute you.

Steven – you tried once and were so close! But hey, people break their foot, it happens. No big deal {ha, glad we can relate}. Now you are getting a second chance to do what your heart is set on. And by the looks of the process so far, you’re almost there! All I ask is you let me slide… kidding!

Can we get an Amen for all these amazing individuals?! Makes you want to get up and GO, right?

I know I am.

This isn’t to say we all aren’t chasing our dreams or already doing what we love. I applaud those who are. The limits in life are only the ones we make.

 So never stop!

I’ll conclude with how honored I am to be named after such an amazing woman, my Grandma. Last but not least, holy bananas, GO GRANDMA!!

XO, B

Twenty Three

I feel like I've seen the number 23 for the past month. It's been staring at me, right in front of my face. This was a day I thought I'd celebrate forever, for the rest of my life. Yes, to that extent. But it didn't work out that way. That day is nothing but a memory—the good, great, bad and ugly.

Forever is never promised, just like tomorrow isn't. And I've learned that wholeheartedly. You can promise someone forever, no doubt, but if that isn't their vision, where do you find reason? To say you tried, yes. But when you give your all and it's not enough, then what? You pick up and keep going. Or do you just give up?

Do tell.

Forever and time are two significant words with two undeniable meanings. Time is something to be praised. It is said to be the precious, give it to the ones you love, it flies by.

But when you want forever, time isn't a factor.

Does that make sense? I try to make sense of it all. As in, is it possible to promise forever again? When will I see forever again? How much time does it take to let go?

As the months have passed, I thought time would have changed so much; and it has, but not what I imagined. A lot has stayed the same. Seasons have changed, we've gotten older, gas prices have dropped, but you see, all of that is expected. And to be honest, the way things are at this very moment is what I expected.

That takes me to the saying, "time heals all" — I almost beg to differ, but maybe I am that close to reaching my time of healing. I can only hope.

With that said, time and forever are not everlasting. So use it wisely.

All the tears, forced smiles, laughs, breakdowns, progress have lead up to this day that I dread. I do still feel shattered, but for my own reasons. 

Deep down inside, I know what it is. I will continue forward on my new path, just as I did two months ago. Just as I was doing yesterday.

I guess it's true, it would have been nine...

XO, B

Happy New Year!

As the year came to an end – I was full of immense amount of relief, sadness, and eagerness {is that even a word}. It was by far one of the toughest years I’ve faced in a very long time. And to finally see the last day, was a lot to process.

I say relief in a sense that I get to “start over”. January 1^st is a clean slate, a brand new YEAR. This is the time we all make our outlandish resolutions and wish for a lavish year, right?

So cliché of us, but we do it -

I am nothing but thankful for all that has happened, all that I endured. I’m sure you’re wondering, “why on earth would you be thankful for that!?”

Thankful because even after everything that has gone on, I get another chance. I’ve been living my new chance. We all get second, third and fourth chances. Embrace that! I am a firm believer in giving more than one chance.

Why not?

I thank God for all of the moments he has given me that are now memories.

But memories have become something I fear. I fear them because what comes after that? Nothing? You may even forget. Not just me, anyone, everyone. Forget what once was. That is my fear, to forget.

I fear you will forget too.

As the clock got closer to midnight, I thought to myself, how am I going to feel? How is the clock hitting midnight really going to make me feel?

It was like a buzzer went off at a basketball game, and what do you know… I felt absolutely no different. To be honest, my heart still felt so broken that there wasn’t any desire or room for celebration.

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely ready and willing to take on a whole new year. I realized, I am always going to be working on me. I will always be trying to heal a wound that was so deep.

Just with each time, with a little more effort. With a little more strength. And you know what, this is okay. Why rush to be OK!?

I truly am in a happy place. It was quite the journey to get here, but I have found it, you guys!! Woo-freakin-hoo, right?! Can I get an Amen?! Ha, but really. I AM GOOD. I’m focused on my goals and complete happiness.

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Enough with all the hoopla – Slade and I ended the year oh so greatly. Greatly as in two weeks off from homework and work, greatly! And we began it even better.

I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart for being there for me when I needed you most. I send you all virtual hugs!

I wish you and your families a blessed year full of love and laughter. Enjoy every moment you are given. Even if it’s a trip to the park. Smile ear to ear. Even if you are sad. Cry if you need to. Even if it’s not your birthday. Compliment a stranger. They appreciate it. Drink more water. For you thirsty asses {it’s a joke}. Dance even more. Travel to a place you’ve been longing to go to. Even if it’s Padre. Do MORE!

And Love. Just Love.

Cheers to 2015, treat us good!

XO, B

Mr. Carrey

“Negative experiences will repeat as long as they remain useful to you.

But what does useful mean?

If something pisses you off, you’re getting use out of it because it’s creating an emotional reaction.

Learn to have this ballet dance of karma. Where experiences move through you without getting stuck to you.

Where you bless, you release, you accept, you forgive and you Love.

More and more those experiences won’t repeat anymore because you’re not going to get any value out of them.

Sometimes I’ve spent two hours of my day thinking about one person I resent, and going through orations, if he ever says this I’ll say that.

I find myself now, when I get caught up in something like that, becoming conscious suddenly, going, oh wait, I’m here. I’m not with that person right now.

I’m creating things that don’t even exist. And it’s useless. And it’s time badly spent.”

-Jim Carrey

Google his speeches. You won’t regret it.

A wise, wise man with humor.

XO, B

Six

First and foremost – Happy 6th Birthday, Slade Royce!

I cannot believe you are six. SIX! I don’t think I’ll ever believe it each year you grow older. So count on me saying that until you’re about 40. And then I promise to lose count.

When he woke up this morning the first words he said was, “Am I six now?!”

“Yes, Bubba, you're six!” (as I fight back tears)

I can be cliché and tell you about how I remember the day you were born, but let’s face it, I will NEVER forget that day. I am entirely proud of the smart, kind and funny boy you are. I am beyond thankful for all of the joy you bring me, your father and our families and friends.

But…

I want to take this time to express how much this little person has been my happiness through all of this. He is the reason I want to better myself. He is the reason I want to wake up each day with a smile on my face. He is the reason I want to try harder at everything I endure.

He is my reason.

Bubba, you have given me the greatest love there ever is. You have made me realize that happiness is so important and no one can take that from you.

I'll instill that in your mind till there are no more days. But most of all, I want you to know and never forget, you're my happiness. You are truly, wholeheartedly my happiness.

I don’t know where I would be without this kid. If there was one thing we did right, it was create the most amazing boy ever.

Here is a survey he took over pancakes with sprinkles and a side of bacon:

Slade, age 6

What is your name? Slade

Do you have a nickname? Since it’s winter, Frosty

How old are you? (He held his 6 little fingers up)

What makes you laugh? Tickling

What makes you scared? The dark

What is your favorite color? Red and blue

What is your favorite animal? Turtle (go figure!)

What is your favorite book? Ninja Turtles

What is your favorite TV show? Spongebob Squarepants

What is your favorite movie? TMNT

What is your favorite song? The Godzilla theme song

What is your favorite food? Pancakes

What is your favorite drink? Water, because it’s a healthy choice

What is your favorite snack? Granola bar

What is your favorite restaurant? Doc’s

What is your favorite outfit? My jacket

What is your favorite game? Temple Run

What is your favorite toy? Dinosaurs

Who is your best friend? Mark

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Stuffed animals

Where do you like to go? Playground

Where do you want to go on vacation? The beach, with my cousins

What do you love to learn about? Indians and the pilgrims

What do you want to be when you grow up? Police man

If you had one wish on your birthday, what would it be? I just want my Mom and Dad to love me

(Heart melted)

XO, B

Love or Fear?

Good morning-

I woke up to a text message of a YouTube video. No words attached, just a single link.

http://youtu.be/uJD5-R_HPCc

Little did I know, this link was something I needed to hear.

Majorly.

These are words that stuck out to me:

“Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart, and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart.”

“Life doesn’t happen to you, it’s happens for you.”

“Why not take a chance on faith? Not religion. But faith. Not hope, but faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a begger.”

“You will only ever have two choices, Love or Fear. Choose Love. And don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.”

These 3:16 minutes said to me what I’ve been searching to hear for months now. It was a sense of clarification. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly how my view is on life right now.

And it’s natural to feel this way.

Living in fear is so easy to do, but choosing love plays a part in that. Love is scary. It is your heart.

I would be scared too.

Thank you to SR for sending this to me. I can only be so thankful for the people I have in my life right now, that send something so small, but play a big role.

XO, B 

Broken Record

Those two words have become well-known; beyond belief {broken record}. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but do you ever feel like you keep saying the same thing over and over? Not necessarily verbatim each time, but the gist of it? The kernel, the nucleus… you get it.

Well, this is exactly how I feel. Either way, I’ve been repeating myself for a few months now and I’m ready to say it one last time.

Here goes nothing-

On one hand, I feel betrayed. Maybe not to the full extent that word possesses, but pretty darn close. And on the other hand, these types of feelings and thoughts are not random. I sometimes feel guilty for having them. But they are from my gut.

And ladies, you know your gut NEVER lets you down. It’s a divine power we were blessed with.

Current gut response: {excuse my French} Let it Fucking Go

So I am.

We all know it’s not that easy. There’s that word again, easy. It’s so EASY for people to say let go. It’s so EASY for people to provide advice; you are willing to take, yes, but to act on it, is another story.

“It’s EASIER said, than done.”

This feeling of betrayal comes along with A LOT. I have so many unanswered questions. But the main question is, Why?

Then there’s a flip side to it. Do I really want to know? What will I do once all of my questions are answered? Is that really all I am asking for?

In reality, I think all of my questions have been answered. I’m just too afraid to grasp it. Witnessing what you’ve been needing clarification on with your own two eyes is vile on so many levels.

Holy Cow – it blows.

Like I said, these feelings and thoughts can seem random, but they are not. This is real life. This is how I feel. I cannot help it. I’m not asking for complete understanding, but there is an in between to meet me at.

But believe me when I tell you, that is like asking for all of the stars AND the moon.

*inserts gun emoji*

It all sounds immensely sad/angry/selfish doesn’t it? Because it is! When I truly take a step back and look at the big picture, I see all of the events that took place that lead up to this very moment.

I finally see it. And so clearly now.

Life and Love is pretty obvious and predictable if you really think about it. To sit back and watch something you felt was real and eternal, turn into something unrecognizable and afar, is tragic.

Awfully tragic to where I questioned God. I’m not mad at Him, I just want to know why this was put upon me. What I did to deserve to lose my family.

Because ultimately, that’s what it comes down to. I lost my family. So FORGIVE me for sounding like a broken record. You tell me how you would deal with this?

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BUT, the beauty of life is, it goes on. And at the end of the day, as long as I have Slade, anything is possible.

Time to play a new tune {record}.

XO, B