Mr. Carrey

“Negative experiences will repeat as long as they remain useful to you.

But what does useful mean?

If something pisses you off, you’re getting use out of it because it’s creating an emotional reaction.

Learn to have this ballet dance of karma. Where experiences move through you without getting stuck to you.

Where you bless, you release, you accept, you forgive and you Love.

More and more those experiences won’t repeat anymore because you’re not going to get any value out of them.

Sometimes I’ve spent two hours of my day thinking about one person I resent, and going through orations, if he ever says this I’ll say that.

I find myself now, when I get caught up in something like that, becoming conscious suddenly, going, oh wait, I’m here. I’m not with that person right now.

I’m creating things that don’t even exist. And it’s useless. And it’s time badly spent.”

-Jim Carrey

Google his speeches. You won’t regret it.

A wise, wise man with humor.

XO, B

Six

First and foremost – Happy 6th Birthday, Slade Royce!

I cannot believe you are six. SIX! I don’t think I’ll ever believe it each year you grow older. So count on me saying that until you’re about 40. And then I promise to lose count.

When he woke up this morning the first words he said was, “Am I six now?!”

“Yes, Bubba, you're six!” (as I fight back tears)

I can be cliché and tell you about how I remember the day you were born, but let’s face it, I will NEVER forget that day. I am entirely proud of the smart, kind and funny boy you are. I am beyond thankful for all of the joy you bring me, your father and our families and friends.

But…

I want to take this time to express how much this little person has been my happiness through all of this. He is the reason I want to better myself. He is the reason I want to wake up each day with a smile on my face. He is the reason I want to try harder at everything I endure.

He is my reason.

Bubba, you have given me the greatest love there ever is. You have made me realize that happiness is so important and no one can take that from you.

I'll instill that in your mind till there are no more days. But most of all, I want you to know and never forget, you're my happiness. You are truly, wholeheartedly my happiness.

I don’t know where I would be without this kid. If there was one thing we did right, it was create the most amazing boy ever.

Here is a survey he took over pancakes with sprinkles and a side of bacon:

Slade, age 6

What is your name? Slade

Do you have a nickname? Since it’s winter, Frosty

How old are you? (He held his 6 little fingers up)

What makes you laugh? Tickling

What makes you scared? The dark

What is your favorite color? Red and blue

What is your favorite animal? Turtle (go figure!)

What is your favorite book? Ninja Turtles

What is your favorite TV show? Spongebob Squarepants

What is your favorite movie? TMNT

What is your favorite song? The Godzilla theme song

What is your favorite food? Pancakes

What is your favorite drink? Water, because it’s a healthy choice

What is your favorite snack? Granola bar

What is your favorite restaurant? Doc’s

What is your favorite outfit? My jacket

What is your favorite game? Temple Run

What is your favorite toy? Dinosaurs

Who is your best friend? Mark

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Stuffed animals

Where do you like to go? Playground

Where do you want to go on vacation? The beach, with my cousins

What do you love to learn about? Indians and the pilgrims

What do you want to be when you grow up? Police man

If you had one wish on your birthday, what would it be? I just want my Mom and Dad to love me

(Heart melted)

XO, B

Love or Fear?

Good morning-

I woke up to a text message of a YouTube video. No words attached, just a single link.

http://youtu.be/uJD5-R_HPCc

Little did I know, this link was something I needed to hear.

Majorly.

These are words that stuck out to me:

“Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart, and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart.”

“Life doesn’t happen to you, it’s happens for you.”

“Why not take a chance on faith? Not religion. But faith. Not hope, but faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a begger.”

“You will only ever have two choices, Love or Fear. Choose Love. And don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.”

These 3:16 minutes said to me what I’ve been searching to hear for months now. It was a sense of clarification. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly how my view is on life right now.

And it’s natural to feel this way.

Living in fear is so easy to do, but choosing love plays a part in that. Love is scary. It is your heart.

I would be scared too.

Thank you to SR for sending this to me. I can only be so thankful for the people I have in my life right now, that send something so small, but play a big role.

XO, B 

Broken Record

Those two words have become well-known; beyond belief {broken record}. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but do you ever feel like you keep saying the same thing over and over? Not necessarily verbatim each time, but the gist of it? The kernel, the nucleus… you get it.

Well, this is exactly how I feel. Either way, I’ve been repeating myself for a few months now and I’m ready to say it one last time.

Here goes nothing-

On one hand, I feel betrayed. Maybe not to the full extent that word possesses, but pretty darn close. And on the other hand, these types of feelings and thoughts are not random. I sometimes feel guilty for having them. But they are from my gut.

And ladies, you know your gut NEVER lets you down. It’s a divine power we were blessed with.

Current gut response: {excuse my French} Let it Fucking Go

So I am.

We all know it’s not that easy. There’s that word again, easy. It’s so EASY for people to say let go. It’s so EASY for people to provide advice; you are willing to take, yes, but to act on it, is another story.

“It’s EASIER said, than done.”

This feeling of betrayal comes along with A LOT. I have so many unanswered questions. But the main question is, Why?

Then there’s a flip side to it. Do I really want to know? What will I do once all of my questions are answered? Is that really all I am asking for?

In reality, I think all of my questions have been answered. I’m just too afraid to grasp it. Witnessing what you’ve been needing clarification on with your own two eyes is vile on so many levels.

Holy Cow – it blows.

Like I said, these feelings and thoughts can seem random, but they are not. This is real life. This is how I feel. I cannot help it. I’m not asking for complete understanding, but there is an in between to meet me at.

But believe me when I tell you, that is like asking for all of the stars AND the moon.

*inserts gun emoji*

It all sounds immensely sad/angry/selfish doesn’t it? Because it is! When I truly take a step back and look at the big picture, I see all of the events that took place that lead up to this very moment.

I finally see it. And so clearly now.

Life and Love is pretty obvious and predictable if you really think about it. To sit back and watch something you felt was real and eternal, turn into something unrecognizable and afar, is tragic.

Awfully tragic to where I questioned God. I’m not mad at Him, I just want to know why this was put upon me. What I did to deserve to lose my family.

Because ultimately, that’s what it comes down to. I lost my family. So FORGIVE me for sounding like a broken record. You tell me how you would deal with this?

----------------------

BUT, the beauty of life is, it goes on. And at the end of the day, as long as I have Slade, anything is possible.

Time to play a new tune {record}.

XO, B

Post-surgery

Ladies and Gentlemen, the screw has FINALLY left the building. For those who know, it has been quite the journey to get to this day.

My original surgeon who operated on my ankle {Dr. Reddy}, 5 years ago, left to practice in Laredo. So he was out of the question to re-operate.

I was then given a new surgeon at the same practice; Dr. Oronoz. He had scheduled my first surgery to get the screw removed in March, the week of SXSW.

Well, I guess he decided to go to a tropical location at the last minute and canceled my surgery {the day before} for a “family emergency” out of the country! Sounds like a family trip to me. I mean, c’mon, during Spring Break?! It all makes sense.

I then put it off because I started school this Fall. Long story short, I needed it out before the cold because that = BOOT season! Haha, I’m kidding. It bothered me and scared me when I worked out.

Yes, it protruded that much.

I called to schedule my surgery with Dr. Oronoz just to get transferred to a WHOLE NEW practice because that one closed down.

I’m telling y’all – I have THE worst luck ever.

Not only have I switched surgeons twice and now a third time, the whole flippin’ practice shut down!

But hey! The saying is true, “third time’s a charm!”

My new surgeon is, Dr. Newton Hasson and he did a fine job! Not to mention, when I first met him, he thought I was still in high school. Score!

Here’s the juicy part – Surgery Day:

It was scheduled for Thursday, October 9^th at 1pm. My Mom took me. We stopped to get crutches and then pit stopped at Target to buy some Halloween supplies. That definitely calmed my nerves.

{Note to self: shop before surgery}

I’m getting all checked in and they say to put the gown on, the booties and an awful lunch lady hair net. The nurse instructs that I can leave my underwear on. But uhm, I didn't wear any! So embarrassing. I had worn my Nike shorts that have them built in {y’all know which ones I’m talking about}. Don’t leave me hangin’…

So here I am, booties on, hair net on, IV in arm, and my gown on with no underwear underneath.

Only me.

The surgeon was running an hour behind {once again, my luck}. Mind you, I had been fasting since midnight. Shoot me. AND I was watching the Food Network with my Mom. Why I decided to torture myself?! I don’t know?

Finally, it’s my turn! EEK! Literally starting sweating because I was going to be awake. Yes, awake. In an OR!

My Mom leaves and the nurse takes me away on the gurney. WAH! Y’all, this OR was 55 degrees. So cold! And I have no clothes on. Sigh. The nurse was kind enough to get me blankets that felt like they just popped right out of the dryer.

I get hooked up, they’re prepping the table, rubbing stuff on my foot and I’m just staring at the clock, listening to my heart beat race on the monitor. Pretty sure I was on the verge of having a heart attack.

Dr. Hasson says, “Little pinch coming.” No, it was a huge pinch AKA a huge needle filled with lidocaine going in my ankle.

Next, my ankle goes numb and he starts to operate. All I can hear is my racing heart beat blaring in the OR.

I can seriously feel him tugging on the screw to remove it from my bone. He says, “It’s almost out!” Like I was birthing a child or something. And then, boom, he was done.

It doesn't end there, I could feel the needle and thread go through my skin as he sewed the incision. Yuck. They bandaged me up and I was off to recovery.

Left with my crutches because my foot was still numb and went straight to EAT! Nom.

I’m healing and getting better day by day. Once these stitches are out, it’s back to the gym and boot season.

CAN’T WAIT!

I’ll leave by saying how grateful I am for the most lovable baby boy ever. He asks me every chance he gets how my ankle is doing, if I’m okay, if I am in pain. Sweet like his Mama!

He’s going to make a great husband one day.

XO, B

Oh! I can’t forget – I kept the screw. Slade was the first to hold it. He said, “It’s like the one that goes in the wall.” Silly goose.

Oh! Oh! Don’t always trust “Waterproof Band-Aids”. I put a brand spanking new Band-Aid on before my first shower {because I cannot get my stitches wet} and it immediately came off. What in the world?! I never turned off the shower head so fast in my life. Stuck my foot out of the shower and it’s been baths ever since.

My luck.

Update

Well hello there and hello, twenty eight! Ah, I cannot believe I am two years away from thirty. Whoa, let’s not sadden this blog so soon, guys.

I have so much to tell you all – I’ll start with my baby.

Slade is LOVING school. Every day I pick him up he tells me something new he has learned. It is music to my ears. He’s become much more independent, smarter and growing, of course. His vocabulary has developed tremendously and he’s getting better and better at writing his name. I guess him going to school isn't so bad after all.

I still miss him. And he’s still my baby {that’ll never change}.

As for me – school is getting exciting! I’m finally to the studies that pertain to what I will be doing in my profession. Lots of memorization, but I have THE best memory in THE world.

Trust me.

My third class started last month so my plate is definitely full. Wish me luck up until December. EEK.

And, so, obviously I turned 28 on Thursday, October 2^nd! Talk about a blast in a glass! I felt like I turned 21, not 28. Ha. I cannot thank Shaunda and P enough for putting such a memorable night together for little ole me. And thank you to each and every one of you who came out and made the night that much more special. It meant the world to me.

I literally danced all. night. long! I didn't miss one song, one beat. And to be quite honest, that’s all I wanted; was to dance the night away. Mireya and I said it felt like we were at a Quincenera. If you were present, you know why.

And it didn't end there – my friend {correction; my best friend, cough cough, he knows that joke}, P and I went to ACL Festival this weekend, too! Y’all. I saw SAM SMITH! LIVE. Life made.

I even had the chance to take Slade to ACL on Saturday. If you have little ones and have passes, take them! So much to do. You might have a mini heart attack if their baby hands leave yours, but SO worth it.

Needless to say, one of the best birthdays I've had!

Okay, you know this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't get a tad bit sappy and leave you with some inspiration!

Here is goes…

Lately, I have been sitting back and watching. Letting life run its course. Living in the moment type of thing. You realize a lot this way.

What is a constant reminder to myself is that I am here, I am making a change. Not just for me, but for Slade too. I need to continue to hold on to what the future holds, not what is left behind me. It’s behind me for a reason.

But ONE thing that “keeps me in the past”, if you will, is family. You all know family is everything to me. When you spend that many years with someone, their family becomes yours. Now that is hard to let go of. I've said it once and I’ll say it again, at the end of the day, all you truly have is yourself and your family.

Last week God tested two family members – I won’t go into detail, but it was from both families. It hits home and it sucks that it takes hard times like that to remind us life is too short. Because the truth of it all, it is too short. We are given once and one time only.

Wouldn't you try every chance you got? Listen to every word spoken to you? Take into consideration the points being made?

I would.

It is indeed difficult to tell yourself to move forward, or give up, but when you witnessed what I have, you certainly don’t need any more clarification than that.

So that is where I am currently at. I feel I am in a good place and it keeps going up. I have my moments, don’t get me wrong, but nothing is ever going to be perfect. Remember, realize everyone has feelings. After the storm, comes sunshine. Sit back and ask yourself if the choices you are making will benefit you in the long run. And definitely, smile.

Constantly.

XO, B

p.s. I want to welcome my new baby cousin, Karter Danielle Green. You missed my birthday by one day, baby girl!

First Day of School

Well, we have reached that time of year again – Back to School!

I woke Slade up at 6:30a, he reached over to hug me and then popped out of bed. He was instantly excited to wake up. He brushed his teeth and came to ask for Cocoa Puffs.

When we were getting dressed he said, “We need to hurry because I don’t want to miss the bus!” Silly goose.

On the way out the door he grabbed a banana and then we were off. Before we got out of the car he told me, “I’m going to miss you, Mom.” I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat after hearing that.

Anyway – we walked him to class, got him settled in and we left.

Tears literally streamed down my face the whole way to my car and all the way home. Memories of him as a baby keep replaying in my mind.

I can’t believe I have a Kindergartner.

-----------------------------------------

I’m sure you all know by now my summer was one big emotional roller coaster and I am glad it’s coming to an end. Glad summer is coming to an end, that is.

Someone told me, “life sometimes gives you these obstacles and we each handle them differently.”

-BS

I am growing to accept that. You have it mapped out how you would handle a situation and hope that they would handle it in the same way as you would. But that’s not always the case. I’ve learned that the hard way and will continue to.

You can’t make someone be where they don’t want to be. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do.

And with that said, I must move forward. With or without you.

Timing may be in your favor at this very moment and I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think it’s fair, but you know what – it’s in our favor, too {Slade’s and myself}.

We are starting new chapters in our lives; with school, it being just us, a new place to live, etc. We must begin this school year off the right way. Which is with a positive mind frame, a smile and confidence.

We’ll be going on one big hiatus. I must keep us focused on the now and this new life God has presented to us.

I wish everyone the best of luck this school year!

Before I go: remember, be thankful every morning that you wake up, live each day to your fullest even though you feel like your world is crumbling down, and lastly - tell the ones you love that you love them every chance you get because you never know.

And that’s the truth.

And I also want to thank each and every one of you that has lent me an ear, given me a hug, let me cry to you and genuinely be there for me. I appreciate more than you may know. So thank you to; my Mommie, Shaun, Mo, Gina, Ash, Steph, Mireya, Jesika, Clayton, P, Dante and Brooke.

XO, B

35 years and counting...

Today is dedicated to my wonderful parents; Gilbert & Terri Rangel.

They are celebrating their 35^th Wedding Anniversary! Not only have they given me hope, but they have set this mold in my heart for what I want in the future. They have shown me and my brother the true definition to marriage and love.

Nowadays marriage isn’t of high importance {in my opinion} and that’s okay. Everyone is different and chooses their life happiness in various ways. But marriage to me, has always been extremely significant for this very reason – my parents.

Nothing seems worthier than having someone you love and adore by your side FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That right there makes life worth it. Makes your days that much better. Makes your bad days that much better.

Who wouldn’t want that?

With that said – thank you Mommie and Daddy for showing me what love is and what love can be. I hope to one day be able to say I am celebrating my 35^th Wedding Anniversary, too.

Happy Anniversary. I love you.

XO, B

Wise. Words.

I read an article this morning after I wrote my ‘Fight’ blog and came across this insert. All I can say is, WOW.

Enjoy:

This does not mean be with the person that you most easily get along with. Sometimes, extraordinary love isn’t easy {it usually never is} but in one way or another, it is always worth it. So don’t mistake the extraordinary for what you’re settling for. I know this is an extremely difficult thing to do most times, because when there’s nothing really wrong with your relationship there’s no reason to wreak havoc and go… except, there is. And that’s because the extraordinary is waiting for you somewhere else. In the words of Cheryl Strayed, have the courage to break your own heart. That’s awesome if you really like each other, and even if everything is swell but yet, somewhere you know, this person doesn’t absolutely rock your world, you need to go.

Because you need {and deserve} love that is something of an other-worldly connection, that you can’t really make sense of in your mind. Mind-blowing-life-changing-heart-stopping-blood-rushing-miraculous love. Don’t settle until you have it, if that’s what you want.

There is no time for love that isn’t miraculous. Get up and leave. Move. Go. Don’t hold on because you think you’ll never find someone else. If you’re even a little bit unsure, leave. Your uncertainty should tell you that at the very least, you need to explore other avenues. And if those roads lead you back, great. If they don’t, great. Wanting to leave is enough reason to go. And believe me, one way or another, you will eventually wind up where you’re supposed to. Whether it’s with some cool new person or back into the arms of the person you left, you won’t ever have to question whether or not you should be with them.

XO, B

Fight

Lately I have seen the same quote on social media. It reads:

“Fight for what you Love” or “Put up a fight for what you Love”

I couldn’t agree more. This doesn’t have to just be a love with another human being, it can be your job, your hobbies, your goals, your family or friends.

When you solely care about something; genuinely give a shit {excuse my French, but it’s true}, you will fight for it. You will fight until there is nothing left in you because you love this thing so much. It’s only logical that you do.

Am I wrong?

When you don’t fight, you’re basically giving up. And who likes a quitter?! If you aren’t quitting and only putting forth half of your capable effort, then that right there, is pure laziness. No, not the laziness where you don’t want to clean your room. The selfish, laziness where you don’t care.

Think of it this way – it is better to have nobody than someone who is half there or doesn’t want to be there at all.

Put that theory in a sports game: you don’t want to have a team player who is HALF there, while all the other players do the grind to win. It doesn’t work that way. It takes action from each and every player to succeed.

Nothing changes until you change it. Nothing is better until you make it that way. There’s nothing you’re not responsible for. Just waiting around for something to happen, lamenting that it isn’t, wishing, hoping, praying for it to change, doesn’t always ensure that it will. Go, move, act, fight.

At the end of the day, fight for what you Love. Give your all every day in everything that you do. Knowing you sincerely gave it your all, there will be no regret in your story.

You have to fight for it.

XO, B

To: Shaunda

 Have you ever woken up truly grateful for someone? Well, that was me this morning. I’m not sure as to why I thought this, but I thought I’d share it with you.

This person I am truly grateful for is one of my best friends. Her name is Shaunda Hill.

We met through mutual friends, years ago. We grew closer and now she is like my sister I’ve never had. She comes to family functions, like hardcore functions. Such as Thanksgiving. So yes, she is my sister.

I guess the reason I am thankful for her most is because she has never hesitated when it has come to our friendship. I can literally count on her for ANYTHING at ANY TIME. And THAT, is hard to find.

Loyalty.

Where I am now, she once was. And I was there to help her out of the dark place she was in. And I can only be so thankful she is there for me during all of this. She tells me like it is and sends massive amounts of encouraging words. She even lets me hug her with my legs wrapped around her. That’s love.

Here’s one paragraph she sent me that sticks in my mind:

“That never stopped your priorities, never. Mother first and foremost as always, as expected. I know you need time, I know you can't stop thinking, or crying or hurting. But I am telling you, you are better than this place you are in. Do not feel this way, I won’t allow you to feel this way. Because you wouldn't allow me too either. I will be here no matter what. Don’t cry, I got you. I’m a phone call away, a text away.

I couldn’t sleep either, thinking of you.”

-SH

That doesn’t even begin to sum up what a true, genuine person she is. We’ve laughed, cried, argued, danced {our asses off}, laughed some more. You name it, we've encountered it together.

I don’t know if and when you will see this, Shaun, but please know I am so thankful God sent me a friend like you. I would be lost if I didn't have you. You truly are such a special friend to me. I hope that you know that and never forget it. I love you.

You may not know this, but I have hope because I see you. Now. You're strong, you let your hurt motivate you and you are more beautiful than ever. Don't ever lose the sight you have because it's leading you to greatness. I know so.

One more thing; thank you.

XO, B

Departed

This weekend I took a pretty big step – it was, what is the word? Tough? Hard? Difficult? Not easy?

Maybe it was a mixture of all of those things, but you know what, I am still here.

Never in a million years would I think seeing an empty room would affect me the way that it did. Only because emptiness reminds me of not being complete or not having it all. And that is not me.

You put your heart and soul in creating this place where you feel whole. Where you feel safe. And to leave that is the hardest thing in the world.

Anyway, not much more to say about that.

Except I’ll leave you with my exact thoughts when taking down that last box; always fight for what you love. No matter what it is. Because you never know and you don’t want to look back and say, I wish I would have fought harder.

Nothing worse than regret.

What I will miss most, the view. You can get lost in those sunsets in the country.

XO, B