"Am I having a heart attack?!"
"No, I can't be, I'm too young to be having a heart attack!"
*5 minutes later*
"No, I can't be, I'm too young to be having a heart attack!"
*5 minutes later*
"Okay, I am for sure dying!!"
These were my exact thoughts when having my very first anxiety attack.
Did you think that 7-letter word was alcohol?! Oh no honey, it is
A N X I E T Y.
A N X I E T Y.
I am here to tell you MY living story dealing with the beast known as: General Anxiety Disorder.
It all started years ago! I cannot tell you the exact day, year and time, but I know it's been a few years since my initial attack.
I was at work. Yay.
{this is NOT where you want to experience your very first attack}
I remember being in what we called, "the warehouse". I slowly began to feel off. Once I completely acknowledged how I was feeling, it consumed my entire mind and body.
I couldn't think of anything else besides how bad and scared I felt. SO bad, I left work and drove myself to the ER.
When you present to the front desk you have chest pains or heart complications, you move to the top of the list like Drake when he puts out a new album.
They don't play!
They performed all the routine tests, blood work, you name it, I did it. To make a long story short - the doctor pulled back the curtain and proceeded to inform me that I am a healthy individual, but I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder.
Hearing those words meant nothing to me. It was foreign. You hear disorder and automatically think the worse!
All I could say was, "What does that mean?"
In my mind I was really asking:
"Am I dying?"
"Do I have to have surgery?"
"What do I take to treat this disorder?"
"Did you really just say I have a disorder?!"
"Am I sick?"
"Where's my Mom!!!!!?"
Verbatim, the doctor told me an anxiety attack can literally feel like you're dying.
Uhm... who on Earth wants to hear they have been diagnosed with a disorder that makes you feel like you are dying?! Not I.
From this day forward... my life changed forever!
I wish I was exaggerating.
Let's fast forward to now! Because I can sit here and write you all a novel on all the extreme attacks I have gone through.
Some deserve an entire blog dedicated to that one specific attack. Trust me, I've had them ALL!
{if that is something you would like me to go into detail on, let me know}
This has been one of the hardest years up to date living with anxiety. To the point where it ran my life.
I know that is the #1 rule to overcoming anxiety {don't let it run your life}, but sometimes, it's not that easy.
Countless friends, family members, doctors, etc. ask me, "What are you stressed about?"
My response: "Nothing."
Honestly, it was nothing. I don't believe because one is "stressed" they have anxiety.
You can get to this state due to depression, over-thinking, over-analyzing, anticipation, expectation, a new role you've taken on in life, a traumatic life experience - I mean, the list goes onnnnnn.
I've expressed to many via social media how I felt on-the-verge depressed. I have come to terms that, I was depressed.
That is something extremely hard for me to admit! It brings tears to my eyes because had someone recorded me the hours I laid lifeless in bed or taken pictures of how I looked at 2p on a sunny Saturday - you wouldn't recognize me, I wouldn't recognize myself.
And if you know me - I love to be busy, outgoing, laughing, smiling and having a good time.
I blocked everything and everyone out of my existence. Not because I was mad or sad, but because it is what I needed to do FOR ME.
I was bitter to that fact that I had let this win. It was now up to me to defeat it solely on my own.
Me, myself and I.
I went to the doctor, I read countless articles, I talked to family and friends, I executed those strategies every time. Yes, they help and are appreciated beyond belief, but it wasn't going to cut it this time.
My last resort was to make a change.
I've stated in a previous blog how intimidating that word can be.
Let's face it, it truly is scary! But this time, it was for the better.
Here is my new "Game Plan":
1. Read
I began to read books that pertained to anxiety, meditation, inspiration, God, wisdom, living-in-the-now, mindfulness, etc.
{you catch my drift} Anything that was knowledgeable or helpful, I'm reading!
2. Pray
Every morning and night I thank God for the good, the bad and the ugly. If you are not religious, that's okay! Skip to step three. I got you. Always!
3. Speak into existence
Affirm you are grateful for what you have and don't. Give a stranger a compliment in person or via social media because that good will come back full circle. If you want something or want change, treat it as if that has already happened and I PROMISE YOU, it will. Mark my words. When you put negativity into the universe, that is what you are going to get back in return.
4. Write in a journal
I am not saying this is your new diary you HAVE TO write in every single day with your deepest, darkest secrets, but for your own records. I began to write quotes, definitions to words I didn't quite understand in my new books, a certain scripture I felt pertained to my life that day, tips and tricks I read in books or heard on YouTube. Heck, you can even draw. Vent if you have to! Most importantly, write five things you are grateful for each day or each entry you write.
5. Self-care
This is my definition - this can mean a slue of things! On my end, I meditate, workout, have a steady sleep schedule, drink alcohol less and spend more time appreciating what is in front of me; whether that be my son or a tree.
This is short summary on the approach I took on changing how I looked at life, how I lived life. I guess you can say, I've found peace within myself. I cannot express the effect it has had on me. To truly live happy within yourself is major key.
Before I begin blabbing - I will bring this to an end.
To all my fellow anxiety brothers and sisters out there...
You are not alone. It will soon pass. Being bigger than this monster can get hard, but it is not impossible. Keep your head up and always have faith that this is not the end. And know it is OKAY to feel down and out. It's part of the process.
It is always easier said than done, but when that one person tells you, "breathe". BREATHE! That is one of the greatest gifts we could all receive in life - LIFE! I wasn't living life wrong, I just wasn't living life like I appreciated it. I am a firm believer that is how I let anxiety and depression rule me.
I will never totally beat anxiety because I don't think that is scientifically possible, but I will be bigger than it!
I'll leave you with a quote from the great, Oprah:
"Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you, too, will keep encountering challenges. It is a blessing to be able to survive them, to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other - to be in position to make the climb up life's mountain, knowing that the summit still lies ahead."
XO, B
{this is NOT where you want to experience your very first attack}
I remember being in what we called, "the warehouse". I slowly began to feel off. Once I completely acknowledged how I was feeling, it consumed my entire mind and body.
I couldn't think of anything else besides how bad and scared I felt. SO bad, I left work and drove myself to the ER.
When you present to the front desk you have chest pains or heart complications, you move to the top of the list like Drake when he puts out a new album.
They don't play!
They performed all the routine tests, blood work, you name it, I did it. To make a long story short - the doctor pulled back the curtain and proceeded to inform me that I am a healthy individual, but I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder.
Hearing those words meant nothing to me. It was foreign. You hear disorder and automatically think the worse!
All I could say was, "What does that mean?"
In my mind I was really asking:
"Am I dying?"
"Do I have to have surgery?"
"What do I take to treat this disorder?"
"Did you really just say I have a disorder?!"
"Am I sick?"
"Where's my Mom!!!!!?"
Verbatim, the doctor told me an anxiety attack can literally feel like you're dying.
Uhm... who on Earth wants to hear they have been diagnosed with a disorder that makes you feel like you are dying?! Not I.
From this day forward... my life changed forever!
I wish I was exaggerating.
Some deserve an entire blog dedicated to that one specific attack. Trust me, I've had them ALL!
{if that is something you would like me to go into detail on, let me know}
This has been one of the hardest years up to date living with anxiety. To the point where it ran my life.
I know that is the #1 rule to overcoming anxiety {don't let it run your life}, but sometimes, it's not that easy.
Countless friends, family members, doctors, etc. ask me, "What are you stressed about?"
My response: "Nothing."
Honestly, it was nothing. I don't believe because one is "stressed" they have anxiety.
You can get to this state due to depression, over-thinking, over-analyzing, anticipation, expectation, a new role you've taken on in life, a traumatic life experience - I mean, the list goes onnnnnn.
I've expressed to many via social media how I felt on-the-verge depressed. I have come to terms that, I was depressed.
That is something extremely hard for me to admit! It brings tears to my eyes because had someone recorded me the hours I laid lifeless in bed or taken pictures of how I looked at 2p on a sunny Saturday - you wouldn't recognize me, I wouldn't recognize myself.
And if you know me - I love to be busy, outgoing, laughing, smiling and having a good time.
I blocked everything and everyone out of my existence. Not because I was mad or sad, but because it is what I needed to do FOR ME.
I was bitter to that fact that I had let this win. It was now up to me to defeat it solely on my own.
Me, myself and I.
I went to the doctor, I read countless articles, I talked to family and friends, I executed those strategies every time. Yes, they help and are appreciated beyond belief, but it wasn't going to cut it this time.
My last resort was to make a change.
I've stated in a previous blog how intimidating that word can be.
Let's face it, it truly is scary! But this time, it was for the better.
Here is my new "Game Plan":
1. Read
I began to read books that pertained to anxiety, meditation, inspiration, God, wisdom, living-in-the-now, mindfulness, etc.
{you catch my drift} Anything that was knowledgeable or helpful, I'm reading!
2. Pray
Every morning and night I thank God for the good, the bad and the ugly. If you are not religious, that's okay! Skip to step three. I got you. Always!
3. Speak into existence
Affirm you are grateful for what you have and don't. Give a stranger a compliment in person or via social media because that good will come back full circle. If you want something or want change, treat it as if that has already happened and I PROMISE YOU, it will. Mark my words. When you put negativity into the universe, that is what you are going to get back in return.
4. Write in a journal
I am not saying this is your new diary you HAVE TO write in every single day with your deepest, darkest secrets, but for your own records. I began to write quotes, definitions to words I didn't quite understand in my new books, a certain scripture I felt pertained to my life that day, tips and tricks I read in books or heard on YouTube. Heck, you can even draw. Vent if you have to! Most importantly, write five things you are grateful for each day or each entry you write.
5. Self-care
This is my definition - this can mean a slue of things! On my end, I meditate, workout, have a steady sleep schedule, drink alcohol less and spend more time appreciating what is in front of me; whether that be my son or a tree.
This is short summary on the approach I took on changing how I looked at life, how I lived life. I guess you can say, I've found peace within myself. I cannot express the effect it has had on me. To truly live happy within yourself is major key.
Before I begin blabbing - I will bring this to an end.
To all my fellow anxiety brothers and sisters out there...
You are not alone. It will soon pass. Being bigger than this monster can get hard, but it is not impossible. Keep your head up and always have faith that this is not the end. And know it is OKAY to feel down and out. It's part of the process.
It is always easier said than done, but when that one person tells you, "breathe". BREATHE! That is one of the greatest gifts we could all receive in life - LIFE! I wasn't living life wrong, I just wasn't living life like I appreciated it. I am a firm believer that is how I let anxiety and depression rule me.
I will never totally beat anxiety because I don't think that is scientifically possible, but I will be bigger than it!
I'll leave you with a quote from the great, Oprah:
"Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you, too, will keep encountering challenges. It is a blessing to be able to survive them, to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other - to be in position to make the climb up life's mountain, knowing that the summit still lies ahead."
XO, B
