Back to school

As if I don’t have a hundred things on my mind, there is one thing that is coming and we cannot stop it. School.

I was accepted into the Medical Coding program at Austin Community College at the beginning of this month. I’ve been taking prerequisite courses and courses that didn’t require you to be accepted in the program in the meantime. With all that has been going on – being accepted was a huge surprise. A great surprise! It gave me hope that there is still good coming my way. Most of all, I felt accomplished and I am that much closer to finishing school.

As for Slade; my baby will start Kindergarten THIS August (hold on while I sob). I cannot believe we are at this point in his life. Just like every mother says, where does the time go? It feel like just yesterday he was three years old. Or even two years old. He’s going to be a Kindergartner and six years old this year (hold on, I’m sobbing once more)!

A fellow Mommy/friend of mine have already arranged a breakfast date after we drop the babies off in the morning. We are calling it, “Coffee and Cries”. A bit dramatic? I think not. These are our BABIES we don’t want to grow up.

With that said - Slade and I have some huge responsibilities headed our way. I am not one bit worried, but I am scared. School for kids isn't what it used to be when I was in Kindergarten. I’m sure everyone can agree on that. But I will be a Positive Polly and hope all will be just fine.

I think it’s funny we will be in school at the same time. I have a new homework buddy, that’s what I’m most excited about. And to see him grow, learn and be independent. I am so blessed to have such a sweet, smart baby boy. Just had to throw that in there. Ha.

Here’s to homework, school clothes and never missing a day of class!

XO, B

Retaliation & Egos

Two VERY powerful things to possess.

I tweeted this a while back and I find myself going back as to why I felt the need to say this or what made me feel this way.

I have an ego. You do, too. We all want to retaliate when pushed to that limit.

If we stop using our egos to determine how to retaliate, the situation's outcome would be drastically transformed. Transformed in a way that is not based off of anger or bottled up emotions.

Beg to differ?

Utilize your ego to do right and make you feel respectable of yourself. Don't let retaliation become an outcome or the end result. Use your ego to do good, instead of letting it rule your unconfident mind or insecurities you may have.

Retaliation can truly be the root of all evil. Ask yourself—Why should I retaliate? Is it worth it?

I read an article that sparked this post. I cannot agree more with these words. It is true beyond all measures.

I leave it with this:

"Between suspiciousness and viciousness" shifting to viciousness if I try to seek relief from it, offering me then "the illusion of attack as a 'solution'". So if my ego offers me the "illusion of attack," then I am off the hook. I've not really chosen the attack and I'm not responsible for it -- my ego did it to me. But I don't really believe this at all. I think the decision making part of my mind is choosing attack to protect my ego identification -- my special, separate identity -- and that things are going to get a whole lot worse if I continue to go against it. At these times there is no way that I can look at my ego and simply smile at it. I just have to back off.

XO, B

Mindfull

If you know me, you know I am a ginormous over-thinker. Whether it be about what to buy at HEB to a situation that means the world to me. I. Think. Too. Much. Period.

Lately my mind has been consumed by so much, I feel like I lose reality at times.

It has its ups and downs. Here’s why…

Downs:
-I make myself believe what I have embedded in my head.
-I over-analyze the situation.
-I create an outcome for something I don’t even know is true because, well, I’m thinking too much.
-I want to know right away that I am right or wrong.

Ups:
-9 times out of 10, I am right. My intuition is off the charts. Try me.
-I end up planning ahead because I can’t get it out of my mind.
-I never forget what I have in my thoughts and I will inform you on them.

And I am not talking about continuous negative thinking. I am talking about everything. Am I solo on this?! Please say I am not.

There are times I literally want to go outside and scream because my mind won't stop. But at the end of the day—the things on my mind mean something to me. They are important. Important enough to drive me crazy.

Like Drake said, "Don't think about it too much".

Trust me, I'm trying not to, Aubrey.

XO, B

A new reality...

It is no secret I have become a different me. This past year has passed me by so fast. So fast that numerous changes have occurred. I didn’t think I was equipped to even manage this amount of emotions I was feeling all at once, but I did. These emotions stemmed from these drastic changes…

I begin, with Love.

Love is something so special to me. It always has been. But there comes a time when that is tested. Sometimes for the better and sometimes, for the worst. In this case, it was for the worst. No relationship is rose pedals and rainbows and I never expected it to be. But when this vision you’ve created in your mind slowly falls to pieces right in front of your very eyes, it does something to you.

I began to question love. How could we get here if this thing we have is SO real? Isn’t love the ultimate emotion you can feel for someone? Doesn’t love fix all of that? I mean, love is the Big Bambino in my eyes so this was HUGE!!

After massive amounts of talks with my best friends, nights crying, anxiety attacks where I thought I was literally on my death bed, I came to a conclusion – you can love someone and still not be the happiest people on Earth. You can still love someone from a distance. You can still love someone for all of their faults. You can still love someone no matter what.

And I was okay with that. Finally.

Going through this change, if you will; changed me. I know everyone hates that word, but it is possible. I found a new me. I became stronger and much more independent. I was shocked. Still am, hell. Because change is scary. And not everyone accepts change as you’d hope for. You get flack for bettering yourself or “changing” who you are and it’s not what they are used to. They are scared you are going to change and forget them or forget the ways they know and are adapted to. That then leads to fear – fear that you will never be you again.

But that is where this new beginning takes place. Where you can create a new routine, continue to laugh uncontrollably, love unconditionally (no matter what), and just be you. That is all I can do and all I will continue to do; just be me.

I have this precious baby boy who needs to see me at my best, every single day. If change is going to inspire that outcome, then so be it. Because I will never get yesterday back, I will never get Slade at 5 years old again and I cannot change the past, even if I tried.

I’ve learned to accept that what is now, is all it’s ever going to be. So I will take this leap with an open heart, newly opened eyes and open arms.

I love me and you now, and no matter what.

XO, B