Those two words have become well-known; beyond belief {broken
record}. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but do you ever feel like you keep
saying the same thing over and over? Not necessarily verbatim each time, but
the gist of it? The kernel, the nucleus… you get it.
Well, this is exactly how I feel. Either way, I’ve been
repeating myself for a few months now and I’m ready to say it one last time.
Here goes nothing-
On one hand, I feel betrayed. Maybe not to the full extent that
word possesses, but pretty darn close. And on the other hand, these types of
feelings and thoughts are not random. I sometimes feel guilty for having them. But
they are from my gut.
And ladies, you know your gut NEVER lets you down. It’s a divine
power we were blessed with.
Current gut response: {excuse my French} Let it Fucking Go
So I am.
We all know it’s not that easy. There’s that word again, easy.
It’s so EASY for people to say let go. It’s so EASY for people to provide
advice; you are willing to take, yes, but to act on it, is another story.
“It’s EASIER said, than done.”
This feeling of betrayal comes along with A LOT. I have so many
unanswered questions. But the main question is, Why?
Then there’s a flip side to it. Do I really want to know? What
will I do once all of my questions are answered? Is that really all I am asking
for?
In reality, I think all of my questions have been answered. I’m
just too afraid to grasp it. Witnessing what you’ve been needing clarification
on with your own two eyes is
vile on so many levels.
Holy Cow – it blows.
Like I said, these feelings and thoughts can seem random, but
they are not. This is real life. This is how I feel. I cannot help it. I’m not
asking for complete understanding, but there is an in between to meet me at.
But believe me when I tell you, that is like asking for all of
the stars AND the moon.
*inserts gun emoji*
It all sounds immensely sad/angry/selfish doesn’t it? Because it
is! When I truly take a step back and look at the big picture, I see all of the
events that took place that lead up to this very moment.
I finally see it. And so clearly now.
Life and Love is pretty obvious and predictable if you really
think about it. To sit back and watch something you felt was real and eternal,
turn into something unrecognizable and afar, is tragic.
Awfully tragic to where I questioned God. I’m not mad at Him, I
just want to know why this was put upon me. What I did to deserve to lose my
family.
Because ultimately, that’s what it comes down to. I lost my
family. So FORGIVE me for sounding like a broken record. You tell me how you
would deal with this?
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BUT, the beauty of life is, it goes on. And at the end of the
day, as long as I have Slade, anything is possible.
Time to play a new tune {record}.
XO, B
