7-Letter Word

"Am I having a heart attack?!"
"No, I can't be, I'm too young to be having a heart attack!"
*5 minutes later*

"Okay, I am for sure dying!!"

These were my exact thoughts when having my very first anxiety attack.

Did you think that 7-letter word was alcohol?! Oh no honey, it is
A N X I E T Y.

I am here to tell you MY living story dealing with the beast known as: General Anxiety Disorder.

It all started years ago! I cannot tell you the exact day, year and time, but I know it's been a few years since my initial attack.

I was at work. Yay.
{this is NOT where you want to experience your very first attack}

I remember being in what we called, "the warehouse". I slowly began to feel off. Once I completely acknowledged how I was feeling, it consumed my entire mind and body.

I couldn't think of anything else besides how bad and scared I felt. SO bad, I left work and drove myself to the ER.

When you present to the front desk you have chest pains or heart complications, you move to the top of the list like Drake when he puts out a new album.

They don't play!

They performed all the routine tests, blood work, you name it, I did it. To make a long story short - the doctor pulled back the curtain and proceeded to inform me that I am a healthy individual, but I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder.

Hearing those words meant nothing to me. It was foreign. You hear disorder and automatically think the worse!

All I could say was, "What does that mean?"

In my mind I was really asking:
"Am I dying?"
"Do I have to have surgery?"
"What do I take to treat this disorder?"
"Did you really just say I have a disorder?!"
"Am I sick?"
"Where's my Mom!!!!!?"

Verbatim, the doctor told me an anxiety attack can literally feel like you're dying.

Uhm... who on Earth wants to hear they have been diagnosed with a disorder that makes you feel like you are dying?! Not I.

From this day forward... my life changed forever!
I wish I was exaggerating.

Let's fast forward to now! Because I can sit here and write you all a novel on all the extreme attacks I have gone through.

Some deserve an entire blog dedicated to that one specific attack. Trust me, I've had them ALL!
{if that is something you would like me to go into detail on, let me know}

This has been one of the hardest years up to date living with anxiety. To the point where it ran my life.

I know that is the #1 rule to overcoming anxiety {don't let it run your life}, but sometimes, it's not that easy.

Countless friends, family members, doctors, etc. ask me, "What are you stressed about?"

My response: "Nothing."

Honestly, it was nothing. I don't believe because one is "stressed" they have anxiety.

You can get to this state due to depression, over-thinking, over-analyzing, anticipation, expectation, a new role you've taken on in life, a traumatic life experience - I mean, the list goes onnnnnn.

I've expressed to many via social media how I felt on-the-verge depressed. I have come to terms that, I was depressed.

That is something extremely hard for me to admit! It brings tears to my eyes because had someone recorded me the hours I laid lifeless in bed or taken pictures of how I looked at 2p on a sunny Saturday - you wouldn't recognize me, I wouldn't recognize myself.

And if you know me - I love to be busy, outgoing, laughing, smiling and having a good time.

I blocked everything and everyone out of my existence. Not because I was mad or sad, but because it is what I needed to do FOR ME.

I was bitter to that fact that I had let this win. It was now up to me to defeat it solely on my own.

Me, myself and I.

I went to the doctor, I read countless articles, I talked to family and friends, I executed those strategies every time. Yes, they help and are appreciated beyond belief, but it wasn't going to cut it this time.

My last resort was to make a change.

I've stated in a previous blog how intimidating that word can be.
Let's face it, it truly is scary! But this time, it was for the better.

Here is my new "Game Plan":
1. Read
I began to read books that pertained to anxiety, meditation, inspiration, God, wisdom, living-in-the-now, mindfulness, etc.
{you catch my drift} Anything that was knowledgeable or helpful, I'm reading!
2. Pray
Every morning and night I thank God for the good, the bad and the ugly. If you are not religious, that's okay! Skip to step three. I got you. Always!
3. Speak into existence
Affirm you are grateful for what you have and don't. Give a stranger a compliment in person or via social media because that good will come back full circle. If you want something or want change, treat it as if that has already happened and I PROMISE YOU, it will. Mark my words. When you put negativity into the universe, that is what you are going to get back in return.
4. Write in a journal
I am not saying this is your new diary you HAVE TO write in every single day with your deepest, darkest secrets, but for your own records. I began to write quotes, definitions to words I didn't quite understand in my new books, a certain scripture I felt pertained to my life that day, tips and tricks I read in books or heard on YouTube. Heck, you can even draw. Vent if you have to! Most importantly, write five things you are grateful for each day or each entry you write.
5. Self-care
This is my definition - this can mean a slue of things! On my end, I meditate, workout, have a steady sleep schedule, drink alcohol less and spend more time appreciating what is in front of me; whether that be my son or a tree.

This is short summary on the approach I took on changing how I looked at life, how I lived life. I guess you can say, I've found peace within myself. I cannot express the effect it has had on me. To truly live happy within yourself is major key.

Before I begin blabbing - I will bring this to an end.
To all my fellow anxiety brothers and sisters out there...

You are not alone. It will soon pass. Being bigger than this monster can get hard, but it is not impossible. Keep your head up and always have faith that this is not the end. And know it is OKAY to feel down and out. It's part of the process.
It is always easier said than done, but when that one person tells you, "breathe". BREATHE! That is one of the greatest gifts we could all receive in life - LIFE! I wasn't living life wrong, I just wasn't living life like I appreciated it. I am a firm believer that is how I let anxiety and depression rule me.

I will never totally beat anxiety because I don't think that is scientifically possible, but I will be bigger than it!

I'll leave you with a quote from the great, Oprah:
"Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you, too, will keep encountering challenges. It is a blessing to be able to survive them, to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other - to be in position to make the climb up life's mountain, knowing that the summit still lies ahead."

XO, B

Don't say anything...

Boo! I'm back.

I swear I say this more times than not. I promise I am going to get better at coming to the keyboard to say "hey" or to you know... speak my mind!

SO! What's going on in life?

As for me, living day by day with a smile on my face.

Being a Mom to Slade AND Jet. Who's Jet you ask? Stay tuned until May 21st! Special blog coming that day.

Being a lover. A daughter. A friend. A stranger who tells you hello.

 All of the above!!

I am going to jump into a topic I feel we are maybe all guilty of

OR

something I hear and see more often.

Before I continue let me throw a disclaimer out there!

{YES, I KNOW, we choose to put our lives on social media so what we show is free game to any and everyone. Unless you have a private page. Which in my opinion defeats the purpose of having social media. But we all have our reasons.}

LOOK:

This is simple. What an individual chooses to share on a social media outlet IS WHAT THEY CHOOSE to share on a social media outlet.

Did you get that?

Sometimes I think others believe they are entitled to more than just an opinion.

NEWS FLASH!

You are not. You are not in charge of someone else's life. Better yet, someone else's life choices. Ever heard the term, "do you"?

I mean, it's literally THAT simple.

Too many times I see subliminal messages or comments that are quite disturbing.

I know what you are all thinking... "Becca, who cares what other people say?! "You're right! 100%! Except the point I am trying to make is to the people who are doing the saying.

We live in this world where words have become so much more impactful and painful. And to be an ADULT and partake in such pettiness is beyond me.

We have all seem to forgot the golden rule we were taught as littles - "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

Just because you may not believe in what someone else is doing, saying, posting, wearing, etc. does not give you leeway to "HATE" that person. I strongly dislike to use the word hate, but it literally has gotten to that point.

Anyway...

Remember we are all different. Everyone has a different story. We often fail to realize the negative impact our words may have. No one is perfect, I completely understand that. Revisit the process if you chose to go the not-so-nice route. Karma is REAL and if you put negative energy in the universe, you best believe that is what you will receive in return.

Lastly, to everyone - if you are smiling, you have a roof over your head, your bills are paid, your tummy if full - then by all means, DO YOU!

Like Ellen Degeneres says, "Be kind to one another!!"

XO, B

Mission {almost} Complete

What do you know, summer is here. Again! Just like that!




I know EVERY parent says this, but I cannot believe the school year came and went that fast. It feels like just yesterday I was meeting the teacher, attending the Christmas party and BOOM, school is out.




But of course I am going to start this blog off by recognizing Slade's outstanding performance as a first grader! What kind of Mom would I be if I didn't?! ;-)




Slade blew my mind this year. I don't just say that because he's my beloved son, but because I am stating facts. In kindergarten it is ALL exciting because it's all so new, but first grade - let me tell you! Slade read books, signs on the highway, heck, he even read my text messages!! He mastered math and got 'Super Kid' in Specials more than twice in each! Specials are PE, Art and Music.




Quick funny story - when he would get 'Super Kid' in Music I would ask, "what did you do, sing your lungs out?!" Haha.




There is nothing more rewarding than seeing your child succeed. Not in just in a learning aspect, but in all areas of life. This year was a great year for Slade. It definitely amazed me.




Here's why:




I'm sure you all know by now that Slade is a natural born sweetheart. This school year proved that, yet again!




I'm not positive that all schools utilize the "color behavioral chart", but Slade's has since last year - example: red equals "bad, if you will", green is "good" and purple is "outstanding" and very rare to receive.




*drum roll please*




Slade completed the ENTIRE school year with nothing but greens and purples! Not one other color made it to the planner we sign each day. Now that right there gives me a sense of satisfaction as a parent.




We're doing something right!




Lastly, Slade was voted "Biggesst Heart" in class. How sweet is that?! Slade, my love, take bow!




This brings me to a subject that as a parent, I think of quite often. I'm sure we all do.




We live in such a cruel world that is constantly surrounded by hate that we have to remember, if we want a better world - we have to start with our children {I read that on Vanessa Roy's Instagram and could not agree more}.




Something extremely crucial in a child's life is instilling kindness, confidence, compassion, respect and responsibility - I mean the list can go on. It is our duty as a parent to make sure as they grow that they see how vital these characteristics are in life.




Okay, I am not saying have a counseling session with your child every day because let's face it, THEY ARE KIDS! But when conflicts arise, when they have hurt feelings, when they lose a soccer game - that is your chance to show and explain the many options that make it okay in the end.




Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to almost always practice honesty with our little ones. After all, we are whom they confide in and we are who they watch.

These little, innocent souls are so precious. Again, it is up to us to make them great! Children are not born good or bad and we have to remember that. We are all blessed to have littles in our lives {I say we because almost all of my friends have kids}. I am beyond thankful for Slade and the boy he is growing up to be.

I could go and on on this topic and Slade, but I will stop here! Remember: it cost ZERO DOLLARS to be kind.

XO, B

'til 3005

Have you ever felt like you were destined to be at a certain place, at a certain time? Or felt like you were put in a very moment for some very reason?

I have. Let me explain…

As I previously mentioned in an earlier blog on how I “re-met” Pedro and so on and so forth; well I have never really giving the entire scoop of our past.

This may be a surprise to some, but I have known Pedro since 2006! I attended a party that he swears was at HIS apartment, I beg to differ. But I’ll let him win that argument.

Anyway! We met there. Granted, I was in a fairly new relationship so pursuing anything other than friends was far from my mind. But Pedro on the other hand… *hands mic to P*

{LOL!}

Let’s just say he wanted more and wasn’t going to stop until he got what he wanted. We all know it didn’t work out that way, but look at us now.

Pedro moved to San Antonio to attend college and found work out there. I know, I know, you’re also saying what I did, “Why San Antonio?!” I love to tease him and say he’s from SA. He lived there for almost TEN YEARS!! That’s pretty much his whole life. Ha.

So obviously we lost touch; we went on with our lives... until the great thing called Facebook was discovered.

Pedro had found me and reached out to me; I immediately shut him down! Not in a bad way, but because of where I was at that time in my life.

The entire ten years he was gone, I basically no longer knew Pedro. We had zero contact and of course we could never bump into one another because we were not in the same city.

But until Sunday, May 25^th of 2014, that all changed.

I remember this day so vividly, it’s insane!! After Shaunda went up to him, Pedro immediately asks if I want to go take a shot. I say okay and knew the game was about to be laid on me.

Oh and it was.

We wait in line; Pedro gets his phone out and says, “Put your number in my phone before I forget!” {reallllllll smoooooth, P!}

We go back, introduce friends to one another and we hung out at that bar the remainder of the time. Once it was time to go he was SUPPOSED to be going to different bar to watch the Spurs game and me and Shaun were in Sunday Funday mode, so we were staying!

Pedro says to me: “No, you’re coming with me!”

Me: “Oh am I?!”

Little did he know, I was going to make him stay with ME. What do you think happened next…?

He stayed with me. J

It’s funny that we met around the time of basketball playoffs, finals, whatever you want to call it because now, we take it serious that we watch the games together. After all, it’s a huge significance to our story. Just a little fun fact for ya!

The next day was Memorial Day which equaled no work. If you don’t already know, I am a huge LeBron fan and he played that Monday. That same day Pedro and a friend met me and Shaun to watch the game.

I tell Pedro all the time,”I remember EXACTLY what you were wearing that Monday”: jeans, a black Burberry polo and black Converse. Another thing I don’t think he knows I’ll never forget about that Monday is when he kissed me on my forehead when I left home.

*SWOON*

Lastly, I want to share a quick story that is funny and means so much to me because it was pretty much the first time I was ever with Pedro alone.

Again, he came to meet me and friends at The Park to watch basketball. Well at the time I was a Corona Girl and needed to go pick up my uniforms for work {for some odd reason I left my truck at the nail shop and Shaun picked me up to go to The Park}.

Pedro offered to take me to get my uniform. We go and it is off The Drag, kind of by campus. The text said the bag would be on a bench. Mind you, if I read that is was going to be on a bench in an apartment complex, wouldn’t you immediately think of one that is a community bench?! Am I alone?! Don’t leave me hangin’…

Nope, it was NOT a community bench that the bag was on. It was the bench outside of the apartment door!! Wow, I was SO embarrassed!! P and I literally circled that entire complex about five times. To the point where we even broke a sweat.

Once the bag was found it was funny, but I was saying to myself, “God, help me, why are you making me look like I have no idea what I am doing?!”

An hour and two sweaty backs later, we leave and he takes me back to my truck.

On that ride back to my truck, ‘3005’ by Childish Gambino played and ‘til this day, that has been our song.

Pedro,

Thank you for sticking by me on my uniform hunt, but most importantly, for sticking by me through it all. I can’t believe it has been two years since I saw you again. I thank God every day that I did. I can only hope you’re just as thankful as I am for May 25^th 2014.

I love you ‘til 3005.

XO, B

Fairy

Godmother!

Yes, that is correct – I am going to be a Godmother! Let me tell you, this is one tremendous honor! I have never been chosen for something so special.

I wanted to write about this because the Perez Family are ones I hold near and dear to my heart.

Here’s why:

Steph and I met back in 2006, maybe earlier! That means we are going on 10+ years of friendship. To me, that is incredible! Long-lasting friendships are hard to come by nowadays.

She and Daniel used to come to parties I’d throw at my parents’ house, I’d go to parties with them in Daniel’s Explorer {Steph, do you remember that?!} to going to Lava Lounge on a Thursday. If I am not mistaken they saw the National Championship at my parents’ house; when Texas actually won! People even began to say Steph and I looked alike. Once we heard that we started to call one another, “Twinny”!

Ha, our memories are endless.

But most importantly, Steph and Daniel have been there for some of life’s most important events. From my baby shower, to Slade’s 1^st birthday, to the day I graduated college. There are many more, but that is the jist of how loyal they have been and are.

Not only has Steph been present for the good moments, she has also been there for the bad. She never hesitated when it came to being a lending ear with more than encouraging words to offer. And that in itself is such a blessing to find in a person.

This is one of the many reasons why I am extremely grateful for this choosing – you’re stuck with me, Steph! Ha, in all realness words cannot describe how eager and thrilled I am to become a Godmother.

I promise to be there for any and everything she needs, just as we have done for one another throughout our friendship. I will always have love to give and time to spare!

Again, thank you for choosing ME!! My heart just grew bigger for a baby girl whom I know will be so beautiful and loving – Alexandra Sloane!

XO, B

You

Well hello there my fellow friends—

...it's been a minute. I am here, I promise. Just living and loving. I was thinking how I need to write more, so here I am.

It begins...

I have always been one to be overly friendly, kind, social, whatever you may perceive it to be. That's me. To an extent where in a relationship, it was frowned upon.

Yes, I said the same thing you're thinking. But why?!

I honestly don't necessarily have the answer, but I think I can break it down some. Not just the reasoning as to why that person felt that way, but also a little insight as to why I am that way.

You see, {I had a mini rant similar to this via Snapchat—follow me: bexrang} I feel nowadays we're so consumed by what others may think of us or overly focused on what it is we "should" be doing.

When in reality, none of that truly matters.

What truly matters is who you are as a whole. Whether that be your passion of a certain hobby, your job or being a Mother. Any and everything counts! You name it, that can be your purpose.

But more importantly, your heart, your soul, your voice, your dignity, that is what means most.

The beauty of it all— you get to choose that! No one else does. Unless YOU let them. Does that make sense?

Because me being who I was was frowned upon I genuinely felt that I should pull back. No joke. And now that I think of it, I tell myself, "why on earth would you do that, Becca?!"

That. Is. Who. You. Are.

Nothing or no one should ever have the capability to take away who you are. That is almost a weakness within yourself {myself} to allow that. And there is nothing worse than giving into a weakness.

If anything, the world needs more people who are willing to be themselves, especially if that means you're a person who is open and willing. You are a gem, baby! Believe me.

I think more times than none we forget that the importance of our existence is to make a difference in the world. You may think, "Oh, I'm no one".

But you couldn't be more wrong.

As much as a smile or simple hello to a stranger really could make or change a person's day. Even more so, you're day. Just knowingi you took that time to just BE YOU. 

It took no effort or money to who be you are. And I had to remind myself that.

I will never stop being friendly or social. This is who God made me to be so I am going to share it as long as he lets me.

Each and everyone of us has something special to share with the world. So I encourage you to do it! Don't let society or anyone let you think otherwise. We are all worth it. We are all beautiful. We are all the same because we all have a heart.

And having heart is the absolute true beauty of life.

XO, B

Decisions

Every day we are faced with one thing, no matter what – a decision. It can be where you are eating for lunch, which gas station has the cheapest gas OR it can be a decision that is so critical that it is life changing.

Let’s go with: “life changing”

The first thing that comes to mind is, “are you running toward something instead of running from something?”

What I mean by that is – sometimes we are desperately looking for something different, without regard for whether it’s actually better for you or if it is even what you truly want.

Think about drawing a circle – you can’t complete it unless you have two connecting points. Without one end all you have is an ongoing line. The only direction you are headed is not there.

That is not good enough. How do you know it is good enough?

Well you don’t.

Sometimes it is a chance you have to be willing to take. This decision could either be the right one, or it could be the wrong one. There is nothing else to it.

We can make decisions based on uncertainty, doubt or curiosity. It could be a slue of things. But if either of those are your reasoning for a certain decision being made, don't you agree it is best to go with your gut feeling?

I am not necessarily saying this is a bad situation, just the fact that if those feelings are present put those into perspective.

Other times a decision can be so selfless. And that is where I lie...

If you know me or have been reading my blogs, I am one to put others before myself. In this case, I truly feel that is what I am doing. Never am I saying it is one-sided, but it was a decision made with hope of an outcome that is better.

An outcome I know is capable of happening.

And here's the "bad" about making a decision; it could be the wrong one. I may be wrong, but that comes along when coming to a fork in the road.

I'll leave with this: I have faith in this decision. Whether you agree or not, I know there is better down the road. Trust me, I've been on one of the bumpiest roads of life and I ended up to you.

What does that tell you?

XO, B